Rover... over.

6th Apr 2005, 11:00 pm

By Charlie Hog, Motoring correspondant

In a last ditch attempt to save Rover, the ailing car manufacturers plan to release a new model designed to attract a modern British youth market.

The car, provisionally titled Lemming D900, has amongst itís many in-built features an exclusive low speed cruise control allowing the car to crawl at no more than 3mph, automatically stopping every 10 seconds; ideal for inner city motoring.

Child's drawing of a car saying 'new car design'
Detailed production plans leaked today

At the touch of a button areas of the driver and passenger floors flip open allowing fried chicken boxes, empty cigarette cartons and other unwanted debris to simply drop away into the road.

Often a costly add-on this vehicle will be fitted as standard with two small blue lights on the bonnet, a real head turner.

Rover have come up with another exciting innovation they call 'Speed bump protection' this is a tiny beam aimed 30 to 40 feet ahead of the vehicle that upon sensing an approaching speed bump automatically extends the suspension by up to 13 and three-quarter inches allowing the driver to accelerate rapidly thus using the first speed bump as a ramp and in some cases clearing as many as four further speed bumps, a boon for the busy motorist.

Some models will also be available with an amazing new device that is sure to be attractive to those with a few points on their licence. Sitting neatly in a small box above the rear bumper the 'Manchurian' will automatically sense speed camera flashes and on doing so will send a powerful radioactive homing laser (completely legally) at the offending camera, thus rendering it temporarily ineffectual allowing the motorist to concentrate on driving.

Rover say the innovative Lemming D900 will fall into the 'people carrier' category, though I have always found this to be a strange expression as surely carrying people should always be the most basic remit of any car.


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