Pope still dead

4th Apr 2005, 11:00 pm

Despite the best efforts of hundreds of thousands of Roman Catholics around the world, Pope John Paul II remained dead today.

At candle-lit vigils of the faithful it had been hoped indeed, prayed that 'The People's Pontiff' would emerge Christ-like as the saviour of mankind, possibly raised up on a cloud, hopefully with some kind of fanfare.

Dead Pope ascending to heaven on a cloud
This never happened.

"Actually, I'm a little disappointed" said Ronaldo Estavez. Having travelled all the way from Mexico to file past the deceased Pope's body he had "really expected something a little more, well, supernatural."

The sentiment was echoed along the queue winding all the way to St Peter's Basillica from the centre of Rome. Stephen Flowers had made the pilgrimage from Essex, and spoke of the "downer" he felt on hearing of the Pope's demise. But this was nothing compared to the loss experienced after paying over £400 for a British Airways ticket to Rome, only to find "this old guy just laid out in a big church place. There was no music, virtually no dry ice to speak of. Pretty lame really. And despite what we'd all been led to believe, he didn't ascend into heaven or anything. Weak."

Extra hard

The lack of razzmataz wasn't the only concern however. Nuns praying at John Paul's side as he lay in state openly wept as they realised they would "never taste Papal cock" despite years of servitude to His Holiness. "Maybe if we pray extra hard, and thrash ourselves with even more vigour, he will rise again" said Sister Veronica, adding; "know what I mean?"


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